Reader challenge: Rewrite this sentence to improve it

This sentence cries out for improvement. I’d like to know how YOU would fix it.

If you think this sentence is fine as is, you’re also welcome to comment.

We thought Best Buy was expensive; however, investors viewed online competitors as presenting a structural issue and Best Buy’s valuation declined dramatically during the year.

This sentence was copied from a mutual fund’s annual report.

6 replies
  1. Usman Hayat
    Usman Hayat says:

    The stock price of Best Buy declined dramatically during the year because investors thought the company was not ready to compete with online retailers.

  2. Phil Conkling
    Phil Conkling says:

    I know I’m way late to this party, but I think the best response is “Gotta talk to the author.”
    Editors could only guess about what the author meant by “presenting a structural issue.” Hard to justify a guess, perhaps missing the author’s key point, just because it was awkwardly worded.
    But on deadline, with author unavailable? Both edits are far better than the original, better still with “heavily” and “investors'” in the first one.

  3. Susan Weiner
    Susan Weiner says:

    Thank you for weighing in,Phil! I agree that it is not easy to guess what is in the author’s mind.Ideally there will be an author review.

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