https://www.investmentwriting.com/newsite/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/investmentwriting_logo_2016.png 0 0 Susan Weiner, CFA https://www.investmentwriting.com/newsite/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/investmentwriting_logo_2016.png Susan Weiner, CFA2011-03-22 08:05:552013-01-02 00:37:17Investment writing challenge for my readers
Investment writing challenge for my readers
Change one word in the following line to make it a more effective sentence.
The Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose and the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index fell.
Post your rewrite in the comments.
I’ve got a writing lesson in mind as I pose this puzzler. I’ll circle back later to explain it, although I wouldn’t be surprised if one of my savvy readers beats me to it.
Great challenge, Susan! Here’s my edit, per your one-word rule:
The Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose, while the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index fell.
I hope the addition of the comma doesn’t disqualify me :+)!
I came with a “while” in mind, but Deb beat me to it! So I’ll propose a second choice alternative (which involves rearranging the clauses–which, as is the case with the comma, you didn’t prohibit!)
Although the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index fell, the Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose.
The Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose, whereas the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index fell.
I think this is much better:
The Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose and the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index also rose.
“The Standard and Poor’s 500 Index rose as the Barclays Capital Aggregate Bond Index fell.”
Thank you, commenters!
I suggest using a word such as “but” or “however.” These words serve as signposts that a contrasting comment is coming up. “And” does not do this.
While is the word that improves the sentence.
“While” is another answer that does the trick of calling attention to the contrast.
I agree with “while”, but think changing “Standard and Poor’s” to S&P is best for a blog post.
The change I’d make is the addition of a word: “stock,” so that it would read, “The Standard and Poor’s 500 stock index rose, but…” Not all readers may realize that the writer is contrasting stocks with bonds.
Sorry; meant to preserve the “and” and not change two words.
The diverse opinions are so interesting!
As for the issue of how to identify the Standard & Poor’s 500 stock index. I like to spell it out in full on first reference.
If you know your readers are familiar with the index, then I could live with S&P 500, as Russell suggests.
I think Adam has a good point about identifying it as a stock index, for novice investors.
The main point I aimed to make was that you should make it as easy as possible to contrast the performance of stocks vs. bonds.